I won't wait this time, I swear.

I think of nothing else but  

Oh no, not again.

Even in the relief of reciprocation,  

thinking there is a lesson in disguise,  

something I’ll learn in time,  

though I know it’s not for me.

I am too starved—  

starved for touch,  

for attention,  

for kindness.  

I can’t help but take  

even the smallest gesture  

as something more,  

something faint and fragile,  

like a thread connecting us,  

though it’s barely there.

I’m not the one  

to break into someone’s peace,  

But still, hope lingers—  

quiet, persistent,  

like a whisper in the night.

Half of this is a dream,  

delusions I’ve made up,  

Ambitions too large for my heart.  

But for a moment,  

when you notice things no one else does,  

when your laugh dances in the air,  

when you guide me gently through the world,  

when your eyes hold mine  

a little longer than they should,  

when you wait,  

and I know I’ll wait too—  

I dare to hope.

For just a second,  

maybe this won’t be another lesson,  

but I know deep down,  

it’s me who spins these lies,  

stitching together what is, but probably isn’t real.  

And in the end,  

you are just another lesson

A beautiful paradox  

I’ll never fully understand. Perhaps I'm not meant to.

Festering wounds.

At first, pain is like a prick your skin.

Like getting sunburned on a sunny day at the beach, with sand still clinging on your skin after a volleyball win.

It suddenly swells into the pricks of a thousand needles. Like lying on a bed of thorns, each piercing into your skin,

                                                          slowly,

                                                                  as if it has all the time in the world, it kindles.

Then comes the hurt.

Like a slow, tantalizing drink.

                                        Slow and steady,

                                                                                it hurts to even blink.

It seeps into your core, you can feel it coursing through your veins,

It doesn't bleed,

but it almost makes you wish it did.

The worst part is the numbness that follows,

its like hurt, but just nothingness.

It just makes you wallow.

Like cold,

wet,

 heavy cement

making its way through your body,

Shutting down your mind,

your mind,

encasing your heart,

making you wish that things could go back to the start.

But when a wound reopens,

it festers.

it stings, it kicks,

it lashes out.

Shutting down your ability to think.

Shifting eyes, tapping toes

peeling skin, counting sores.

Its all you can think about.

How it felt, how you left.

Just like a drug, you start to crave it more and more.

You start seeking hurt out,

 just to feel something else than the hurt you feel now.

You start building walls around it.

but it keeps on festering, under your closed knit.

Until you forget and run your fingers over it again,

and your pain begins.

Anew.

Ghost of my beating heart.

Sometimes I delve into my thoughts like I delve into your brown eyes. 

Listen to my heart beating whose rhythm only spells your name.

The skin on my hand tingles in anticipation as I think about touching you. Holding you.  being embraced like a child.

I close my eyes,  trying to get a hint of your cologne.
Crazy? 
Maybe. 

But it doesn't matter.

I smile. You're here.  

Maybe not physically,  but in a deeper way.  I can feel you. Hell,  I can even see you. 

You're there with me in everything I do. May it be just a chore. I know you enough to imagine you sitting beside me with your legs tucked under you,  commenting on my very move.

Sometimes,  I can't wait to see you.
I grow restless.  But I know that it's worth it.
I sleep peacefully because I'm assured that I'll see you the next day.
It's a sweet kinda love. But it's agonizing too.

Because when you reluctantly leave my side,  the ghost of my beating heart almost runs after you only to be reined by the hope that I'll see you again tomorrow.

Keep dreaming!

Empty.

Alone.
Do you know what that means?
Have you ever experienced being alone firsthand?
I'm not talking about being alone in a room, cuddling into your pillows or being scared and lonely on an empty road late at night.
I'm talking about that feeling when you're surrounded by people but you still feel as lonely as the first man on Earth.
Being alone is a very varied feeling. It depends on circumstances, mood and whatnot. And sometimes it may depend upon a single person.
Or maybe a group of people you thought of as family. Or when everything seems to be slipping out of your hands and the world around you seems to be burning in hatred towards you.
Do you feel alone? Or lonely?

What happened?

I lost you.

I lose. Everytime.

This is what happens.

I don't understand anything else. I don't want to.

Things have a certain way of working.

People don't.

People change and sometimes so drastically that when you're reduced to ashes, you ask yourself, what happened.

Circumstances happened.

Life happened.

The hurt comes from the fact that the same person that you loved will not come back.

That shy guy with big brown eyes has turned into something unrecognizable.
 And there's nothing you can do except accept it.
you do.
Your heart can't.
Because whatever happened.
You lost him.

Love ain't what you think.

If it doesn't make you feel immortal,
it ain't love.
If it doesn't make you feel as if you can swim a thousand miles for a kiss,
it ain't love.
If it doesn't make your heart clench with fear when you see "We need to talk."
It ain't love.
If it doesn't break you to see them break,
it ain't love.
If you don't feel like showing them off,
it ain't love.
If you don't feel as if you're the luckiest person on this galaxy,
Then, no sweetie, then it ain't love.
Love isn't measured by PDA or texts.
It measured, that's why it is love.
Love ain't easy.
It is a path of thorns where you go for the sweet release to numbness.
So is it worth it?

What your love does to me.

You're the one who unleashes the beast.
Strokes its warm fur and coaxes it to wreak havoc on me.
You're the weak sunlight on a chilly winter day.
Spreading warmth and calmness and hope for better days.
You're the wave that starts as gentle but becomes proud and fierce.
Always moving forward.
You're that goddamn beautiful evening sky, that inspires people to create breathtaking pieces of art.
You're the one who makes me wonder about the meaning of our existence.
You give me purpose.
You're so so bloody beautiful that yes,
it hurts to look.
But you're mine.
So, I'd take thousand worth of hurt to come at your doorstep
for even a tenth of the cure.

What do you know about pain?

You know what happens when a truck hits your side of the car at 150 km/hr?
The victim goes into a shock and it results in immediate cardiac arrest. The hearts stops pumping blood. You don't bleed. Because your organs are failing. All at once. The blood which is being collected in abundance, has nowhere to go, as there are a limited number of passages in our body, which lead out.

So you seep.

You go all pale, your lips turn blue and your eyes turn red because the blood inside you is trying to find a way to come out. This all takes place within a matter of few seconds.
I'm not a Biology student. Still, this is a well known fact.

Now,let me tell you a lesser known fact.

There comes a stage in your life, where it hurts so bad that you don't cry, scream, shout or thrash. You got so much that you seep.
They don't show this stuff in the movies. For, it is too ugly.
You start to seep emotions. Tears. Pain. Because there is no way out. No way to escape the pain.
You just sit there like a mime and seep. The catch?
You don't get to die.

Keep Dreaming!

The Trooper.

But often he is lying alone,
in the shadows of the crumbling wall.

Lost in the trackless jungle of his pain.
He clutches the pitiless red earth in vain
and whimpers like a stricken animal.
The world doesn't favour him.
But he isn't the one accepts anything below his bar.
With the taste of defeat still lingering on his tongue,
 he holds his injured arm,
which bleeds not just blood but the song of his courage.
He makes his way towards the light at the end of the tunnel. Again.
Because he may not be the one who wins every war.
He's not the ruler of his fate.

But he also isn't the one who's been taught to give up on his dreams.

Keep Dreaming!

Strangers.

 

She tried everything.

Didn't she?

Cut her hair that trendy.

Dressed up chicer.

Walked like she gave no damn.

And that swagger in her step made you wonder if she was really over you?

And for the teeniest moment, you wanted her back.

Wanted to wrap your arms around her nimble body and tell her that everything would be alright.

Tell her that the boy she was ruing over wasn't just worth it.

But you can't. Because you're the reason she's in tatters.Life moves in such a weird circle, doesn't it?

Strangers, then friends, then best friends, then lovers, and now you're back at being strangers.

You clench your fist on the thought of her going out with someone else. Only to remind yourself that she isn't yours anymore.

Will never be yours again.

Started out as strangers, and better of as the same.


Keep Dreaming!

Heart < Mind

turn away

           (please don't)

and let me live with all this pain.

                        (don't)

just walk away

                  (no)

just turn your pretty face

                          (if you do, I'll die)

tell me the truth

                              (I rather live with lies)

because I don't care anymore

                          (oh, I care for you more than ever)

living in this web of misery I've turned to stone

                                                    (have I?)

tell me everything, make me hate you

                                ( we both know that I can't hate you)

cause hate runs deeper than love

                                            (does it?)

cause hate runs faster than blood

                                       ( I guess, it does.)







Keep Dreaming!

Thief.

I swear
            all my parts are healed.
           I don't get flashbacks or much of that cheesy stuff.

All's good.
              Everything is working out fine.
              Heart beat is normal.
            Mind is in peace.

But you know what?
                         There's one only one thing you
              took away forever.

My innocence.
                  I was a naive girl.
                  A girl who blindly believed in love.
          She knew it would be hard.
 But even then,
              she took her chance
            for the one she loved.

And you,
           you stole her everything
             jumbled her world around
          kicked her heart across the inlays of her
           beautiful marble house of hope.
So bad
       that she lost her,
            love,
 hope,
           sanity,
  belief.

And now,
      I'm an atheist.
not in the sense of God
with a capital 'G'.
But in the sense of the
        world.

You made me grow up so fast.
I used to believe.
You weren't just my first love, lesson or whatever.
You were the thief of my aesthetics.


Keep Dreaming!

No Strings Attached.

love me,

because you're like a poem
easy and fun to read
but hard to decipher.
I'm the poet.
And I like challenges.

need me,

'cause like a wounded animal,
I'm in need for it.
caring hands
caressing words
a little warmth.

Care for me,

because a human always pines
for temporary delights.
and love,
well love is the most temporary
delight of all.
Care will always linger
like an aftertaste.

And,
       this love will have
no strings attached
because like a rubber band
promises always bounce back
and kills me inside.
     
            And this killing,
I cannot survive.
Just let me be a temporary delight
and pretend to love myself for being
a minute adrenaline rush in
someone's extensive life.



Keep Dreaming!

Picture Perfect?

 It's surprising how I've learnt to live without you.
I look at our pictures and it strikes me;
that smile,
which used to make my tummy cartwheel
no longer has the same effects.
those eyes,
which seem to look deep inside my soul
no longer do.
that warmth,
which I used to feel, even if you were not there,
turned into waves of coldness.
the emotions I used to feel,
are numb.
The person beside me in those pictures,
I no longer recognise him.
Our picture is just a picture now, not the
masterpiece I used to think it was.
And the people in the pictures,
they are no longer the same.
Photographs do not change, people do.


Keep Dreaming!

Destruction in disguise.

I'm the silence after a talk.
I'm satisfaction.
I'm the ocean which wears away the sand.
I'm anarchy.
I'm the air of the atmosphere, which
either breaks havoc or nourishes.
I'm naissance.
I'm the cream in your coffee.
I'm improvement.
I'm the cherry on top of the cake.
I'm the best part.
I'm the first rays of Sun, giving light to the world.
I'm the statue of hope.
But most importantly,
I'm a women.
I can be the glue.
Or destruction in disguise.

Keep Dreaming!

Messy Healing.

 I gave you my everything,
but my love wasn't enough to make you stay.
So you left me all alone,
and made me hit the bay.
Waking up each morning,
a constant pain is there,
which will diminish over time,
but now it's here and there.
I see you in every place I go,
you won't just go away,
But it lessens over time
 then why does your heart cut over mine?
Each and everyday.
I know time heals everything,
so why won't it heal me fast?
Seeing me in such a situation,
isn't it a big contrast?
So I wake up each morning,
 to hope to make you go away.
'Cause my heart can't bear so much,
but it's bearing it anyway.
In the night, I close my eyes,
to see you walk away.
A fresh wave of agony hits me now,
but oh well! I'll bear it anyway.
Until I heal, until I hope,
until I love again.
Until I see you in a garbage bin,
which will make me smile again. :)

Keep Dreaming!

Inked.

Brown.
The color of your eyes when you first confessed that you loved me. They lit up like a string of fairy lights when I told you that I've been dying to hear those words from you.
Gold.
The color of my aura when we kissed. I felt as if I was complete. I could've died happily. Silver.
 The color of the metal rose you gave me because you thought that rose could never perish just like our love. The rose still has the smell of your cologne lingering on it.
Red.
 The color of your lips when you smiled at me with sunlight pouring all around us on the terrace of the food court. You looked beautiful.
Bronze.
The color of the sun kissed skin of your hand when you held mine, sitting in the afternoon sunlight, talking about the deepest secrets of our families.
 Pink.
The color of my cheeks when you said that I looked beautiful. No matter how greasy my hair was. No matter how my nails were bitten to stumps. No matter how fat and ugly I felt. You never failed to make me feel beautiful.
 Grey.
The color of my alarm I felt when things started to go wry. You started making excuses.
 Blue.
 The color of my mood when you stopped texting. You started ignoring me.
 Purple.
The color of my soul when I realized that the promises you made were never meant to be kept.
 Black.
 The color of my heart when I finally realized that it was the end and my heart couldn't bear the brunt of the pain you left behind.

Keep Dreaming!

Unkept Promises.

You said you didn't use me,
then why am I feeling like a whiskey bottle, which is only important until the drink's over. Gone.
You said you would never hurt me,
then why do I feel as if someone just ripped open my chest, yanked my heart and guts out and left me lying on the floor to die. But not quite dead.
Undead.
You said you'd never leave me,
then why am I feeling like a lone cigarette in the pack.
Unlit.
You told me that you'll never break my heart.
Then why do I feel as if it just broke into a thousand hundred pieces and there's nothing -NOTHING!- I can do to put it back.
Together.
You said you love me.
And now I look back to all these promises you didn't keep and why does it feel as if you never loved me at all.

Parallel Lines.

"No honey, we aren’t parallel lines. We crash together in the most destructive passion and when we meet, it always ends with a broken heart. Always my broken heart. So no. We are anything but parallel lines. We are not the same."

Keep Dreaming!

Contradictions.

My life has been a series of contradictions. Every time I think I can't do it, I do. Every time I think yes, it is the end, it's not. Every time I try to hold myself back, I fail. Every time I try not to stumble on your stupid lies, I trip. Every time I try not to fall for those soft brown eyes, crooked smile and faint acne around your nose, I fall. I fall hard. It's so hard not to. I hold myself back from what I yearn because I know, that when you abandon me and I crash on the floor, with shudders running up and down my body, shaking me apart and I give my 100 per cent not to let the pieces of my heart scatter at your feet. I know that you won't be the who helps me to stop shuddering and sweep all those pieces. For I know this much that, I am alone.
Keep Dreaming!